So much time! So many nightmares!

Sorry I haven't written. I was *coughcough* grounded from computer in an effort to get me to bed earlier *coughcough*. Although since no one is really reading this, I don't think you've even noticed, and if you have, you don't really care.

I had a freakin SCARY nightmare last night! The kind that you think about the next day and almost die from just the realness of it. The general storyline was that my friends and I were committing suicide. My friend killed herself (though it was later revealed in the dream that she survived, or came back to life, or something), and I almost killed myself, although despite the fact that I did exactly what my friend did, and I think I might have died for a fraction of a second, but I didn't stay dead. I went on and did different stuff, the details I can't quite remember. All I know is that feeling when I was killing myself -- a dark emptiness, a void, and despair. I think I might have enjoyed knowing I was dying. Maybe that's what scares me the most. Or maybe that I could see myself doing that. Gosh, it's still freaking me out. I haven't been able to figure out why. Maybe it's the freaking fact that I committed suicide. Scary, right?

I mean, I've thought about it before, sure, who hasn't? But not for the reasons that you'd think. I really just wanted to see what death was like. But now to see what suicide would really entail . . . I'm kinda glad that I didn't. Mayhaps the scariest thing was that it felt real, like it was happening to me and there was no way to stop it, because in the dream, I wanted it. Well, until after I did it, and then I just felt left behind, almost, by my friend who had committed suicide. And although I was sorta glad to still be alive, and really glad that she ended up being alive too, I wanted to be dead with her.

I read once that death in your dreams signifies a new beginning. It makes sense. In my dream, the friend who died is actually trying out for a presitigious choir . . . tomorrow, I think. So yes, she is starting anew, and doing it by her own free will. So that makes sense. I can't figure out what mine means yet.

Am I just thinking way too much about this?